Sharing the Gift of Empathy:
The One Present that Never Goes Out of Style

When life is going well, most of us tend to presume it's also going well for others. This time of the year in particular, it’s easy assume that everyone else is having fun, relaxing, and otherwise preparing for the holidays. With the seasonal music, decorated street lights and houses, and buying gifts (sometimes for ourselves) what's not to enjoy, right? Well, not always.

This past month provided me an unfiltered glimpse of a different reality…one not marked by music, gift wrapping and bows. On a recent Saturday afternoon, I was fulfilling my duties as our homeowners’ association treasurer and trying to catch up with the few families who had no yet paid their 2007 dues. There were only three houses left and I was determined to close the books on the current year. I rang the doorbell of one home and hoped that the owners would be there to answer. It was a home to which I had not only sent several reminders by mail, but also had left over a half dozen phone messages over a three month period. They were, I was sure, avoiding me. And for a measly $60 homeowners payment!

Well, as luck would have it, the owners were home. In fact, I heard one of their kids wipe out on the tile floor with a loud thud (ouch!) as he was flying down the steps toward the door . The door opened and a women finally appeared and looked at me inquisitively. I introduced my self as her neighbor...and the HOA treasurer. "Oh", she said, "Sorry, I've been a bit tied up these past few months. How much do I owe? Please come in while I look for my checkbook". Finally, I thought…I caught her!

As I walked in, I noticed that the rather large house was only partially furnished and that it had an almost sterile feel to it. No music, no decorations of any type. Just an adolescent old son nurturing a bruised bottom while watching TV on the family room sofa. As the woman was digging through drawers in the kitchen looking for her checkbook, she started sharing that it had been a very difficult year for her family. She had recently lost her 70 year old father to a battle with cancer and had just finalized her divorce from her husband of 18 years. She hadn’t been avoiding me, she said. There were just others things that were more important.

Ouch! All of a sudden, I was the one who felt petty with my need to collect her late dues.

As it’s turned out, that wasn't the only story of sadness, stress and tragedy that I caught wind of. Over the next two weeks, I personally either spoke with or exchanged messages with other friends, neighbors and associates who were diagnosed with liver cancer, being treated for stage four brain cancer, lost a job, got a new job…but a much greatly reduced salary, lost a mother, had to have a parent with dementia move back in with them, and had a 14 year old daughter run away with an older boy.

With each of these stories, I did what (usually) comes naturally to me. I said, “I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?”….which, in most cases, they did. But I would never have known they had problems just by casually interacting with them. They all wore the socially expected façade of a polite smile that hid the real pain they felt.

In retrospect, every one of those conversations was a gift exchange of sorts. Those I spoke with got to talk (vent) about something that was very painful and close to the surface. I received the peace of mind that comes from acting like a decent human being and letting another person know that someone else actually cared. Interestingly, I also walked away in each case with a heightened sense of gratitude for my own life. Sure, my family’s had challenges this year…but they didn’t seem quite so bad any more.

At the end of the day, I suspect that the single greatest gift we can give one another during this time of the year (and anytime) is also the least expensive. It’s simply our undivided attention and the willingness to open our hearts, connect with, and try to understand that which is important to others. The gift of empathy connects people and represents one of the quintessential aspects of humanity. And any demonstration of humanity heals and nurtures all of us.

From my family to yours, Happy Holidays!

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